I’m actually sorry that I exist.
Figuring things out.
Stepping back and reminiscing on how I got to where I am is starting to pan out.
Digging through suppressed memories and bad times I try not to remember is answering questions and I’ve come to a conclusion.
In 2010 I got a taste of what a relationship could be but with no love.
I sought love.
In 2011 I found that with someone who was a lot like me. We knew how to settle disputes but as I got older conditions kicked in and people just grow apart. But we refused to let go, only cutting ourselves wide open in the process. One person came out calloused and hard, and the other came out completely broken. I’ll let you guess which one I was.
In 2015 the person who had helped oversee me figuratively put myself back together came to me after I waited for years. By now I had a taste of love and definitely of a relationship, but I never was truly loved, not even after 4 years.
Within this person I found so much love. So much that I could dive in and drown in it. And I did.
I suffocated myself with all the love I was offered. I overdosed. I became reliant. Enthralled.
Addicted.
I couldn’t get by without it.
It started to be more about the love itself than the person loving me. That was the most cruel thing I’ve ever done in my life. But fuck, I needed it.
Then as I was slowly sinking to the bottom of the lake drowning myself in all she had to offer, I fell.
I got woken up by a cold hard slap.
She was gay.
All the love she had offered me had made me too blind to see it. I wondered but I never asked. I should’ve asked.
I had to immediately respond and immediately turn around and learn how to breathe air and walk on two feet. How to manage life by myself and to deal with responsibilities without being able to tell anyone about them or to even just talk about my day. I accepted it because my love was at the end of the day still so deep, I owed her that love back and I still do and forever will.
But addicts can’t quit cold turkey 90% of the time and FUCK did I need human compassion.
One person. One person stuck out amidst the rest and I grasped. Firmly and aggressively. But ever so stealthily. Like sleep paralysis, there but not quite tangible.
I grabbed and followed and pulled and the moment the opportunity arose, addict in me went in face first to the personality of someone I didn’t know. But the walls were too thick and I made a fool of myself. I was left alone to crawl about and curse and bitch and talk about how stupid I was for it.
And tonight it hit me. I’m battling the addiction of human compassion and companionship.
I became the people I was with one by one and lost grasp of myself.
I hated what I became. There was a lot of good that came but overall there was so much bad from years of abuse still lingering in my system.
And it hit me that I just need to detox.
I need to step away from everything.
Find my confidence. Find myself.
Find my heart that I had freely thrown to the closest passerby.
But it’s a progression. It’s not easy.
But it has to be done.
It’s been 2 days.
I already have heard a change in my voice and the way I speak.
And amidst all this,
I can’t wait to meet the one I’ve been waiting for for all these long 6 years now;
Myself.
I’m such a masochist for affection.